The One With Rusty Appendages and Mindboggling Horsepower
by Aeria Swordlancer
Summary: Jellal harbours a legitimate set of insecurities. Erza begs to differ. Continuity and Crack(?)


**(A/N): I was re-watching a couple of F.R.I.E.N.D.S. episodes and I decided to make a title as such. I was inspired.**

**This one's a really laaaate birthday gift fic for my good friend, Jerza Fernandez. YES. This one's for you! Happy Belated Birthday!**

**An idea I came up with in the toilet. Not to be taken too seriously. But then, knowing what a dork Jelly Beans is, this might just end up happening in canon.**

**Disclaimer: Fairy Tail and its characters belong to Hiro Mashima.**

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**The One with Rusty Appendages and Mindboggling Horsepower**

**By Aeria Swordlancer**

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Jellal Fernandes had never been this disconcerted in life.

With a mirror in one hand, and some shaving cream in the other, he went through the monotonous regimen of divesting his chin of the coarse hairs that had begun to sprout over the little period that he hadn't shaven – what with him being in the middle of a gruelling S-class mission to a faraway land where water in his canteen (or anywhere outside in the form of streams or even little puddles) was a luxurious item to come by.

He sighed as he swiped the razor down his right cheek and tried assessing his handiwork in the oval shaped mirror in his hands.

_Should be fine, _he thought to himself, running a finger through his now smooth skin and smirking slightly. The uneasiness he had been feeling just a second ago, vanished for a fleeting moment.

Fleeting moment, because it was exactly when he'd begun to reassure himself of the apparent _spotlessness_ that he found the culprit – the absolutely blasphemous blotch on his otherwise sparkling appearance – lurking behind in the dark corners. It gave him no respite that the traitorous bastard had been hiding away in a corner not visible to the outside world. The very fact that it was _present _where it was, laughing in his face as a testament to a particular stage in life that he refused to accept, bothered Jellal to no end.

_Damn, _he hissed, splashing the water from the little stream down below onto his face, and pushing the mirror out of his sight. _This had to spring out on my way back home._

He thought about his lovely wife of fifteen years and prepared to sulk in a corner.

Grunting in the direction of the skies and muttering something incoherent under his breath, Jellal set about stashing his toiletries away in a pack before proceeding to wake up his snoring teammate. Christmas was around the corner, and unlike the general atmosphere of happiness and cheer that surrounded people during this festival, Jellal felt no such excitement in his heart.

_I see a long season ahead, _he mumbled miserably into his hands, labouring through getting his stuff packed before one final round of reconnaissance on enemy grounds.

**0**

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"Welcome home, honey!" a very happy sounding and enthusiastic looking Erza Scarlet greeted him over the threshold as he found himself back on their doorstep.

"How was the mission?" she gave him a deep kiss and tried patting away the dust from his travelling cloak. "I have been asked to go on one five days from now, but the kids decided to tear up the mission scroll. They don't like it when we work during holiday season. I mean who likes it anyway?" she went on with her ramblings as she guided her husband over to their bedroom to slip him out of his dirty clothes.

Jellal let a small smile tug at his lips.

"It went well," he said finally, letting his rucksack fall into a corner of the room.

"Meredy was pretty pumped up about the mission this time. You should have seen her when she took down an army of goons with maces. That woman gives me goosepimples these days."

Erza 'hmmed' her approval. "She's definitely going to be an S-class this summer. I'm placing my bets on her."

Jellal nodded, deciding to do the same. Betting pools around S-class promotion exams were a nice way of stacking up one's kitty. His wife had pretty much earned herself a new wardrobe the last time she'd placed her money on Levy McGarden.

"That aside, how's your knee doing? Did it bother you throughout the mission?" she bent a little to give a playful tap to the said appendage, as if checking for some malfunction by simply knocking on the surface.

Jellal bristled up noticeably at the comment.

"No it didn't," he said quickly, running an agitated finger through his hair and shimmying himself out of his undershirt. "I think I need to take a bath. I probably stink like a skunk." Saying this, he made a beeline for the bathroom and shut the door rather forcefully behind him.

Erza blinked at nothing and no one in particular.

"Okay…" she mumbled, still bent over from a few seconds ago and staring curiously at the door that had been shut in her face. Usually, Jellal would drag her in with him and then the two would procreate like bunnies under the shower after the weeks (and sometimes months) spent apart. The very fact that her husband had seemed two seconds away from blowing his top off on her had set her thinking. And thinking deeply at that.

_Did something happen over the mission? _She wondered, collecting the dirty laundry from the floor and proceeding to stash it away in the lacrima powered washing machine. _Maybe._

She continued with this line of thought for a few more minutes, but let it go when she was reminded of the surprise she had in store for her husband that night. Smirking to herself, she set about preparing the table for the kids who would come barging in through the front door about twenty minutes from now, fully drained after their rigorous training session with Uncle Natsu.

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She had only to kiss little Rose goodnight before her plan set in motion. Walking stealthily through the corridor in the kids' section of the house – for her little ones were a little too hyperactive and _curious _for their own good – Erza proceeded to lock herself up in her bedroom with a husband who had already dropped onto the bed like a massive sack of potatoes.

Wait what?

Was that a snore just now?

Erza blinked and gazed incredulously at the blue lump of hair nestled deep in their velvety pillows and figured Jellal was out for the count.

There was no way he was waking up before noon next day, judging from the way drool from his open mouth had stained through to their mattress.

_I can't _fucking _believe this, _sighed an agitated Erza, falling not so graciously onto the bed, the sudden dip in the mattress not strong enough to wake up a blissfully snoring Jellal.

The sizzling negligee she was wearing underneath her night robe seemed to have shrivelled up in response to the sudden coldness in the atmosphere.

She ended up staying wide awake the whole night after that, contemplating whether to let the matter slip or simply punch Jellal in the face for his _impertinence_.

Well, of course the second option was a little exaggerated and uncalled for, considering how he'd been out on a taxing mission just a couple of hours ago, but Erza was not one to let matters slide when they smelt so suspicious.

_Something _definitely _happened over the mission, _she decided at four in the morning, after having spent an entire night pondering over what could have triggered the sudden shift in her husband's behaviour. _He had been absolutely fine before the mission, _she concluded, giving a firm structure to her hypothesis.

She went to sleep nearly two hours after having drawn the conclusion, but the issue bugged her for the next twenty-four hours until Christmas Eve brought forth a new side to the story that helped her formulate her final theory.

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"Ho Ho Ho! Merry Christmas!" whispered Jellal in a santa costume, making a silent appearance through the main door. Erza smirked as she saw her husband struggle with all the padding involved in the costume.

"Well hello Santa-san," she greeted in a velvety voice from her spot on the living room couch.

Jellal turned to look at her and gave her a knowing smile from underneath all the layers of fake beard strewn across his face. The get-up was merely a precaution in case the kids were up and feeling exceptionally curious like they should as kids on Christmas Eve.

"Somebody's been good this year," Jellal crooned as he went about placing the presents under the gigantic tree in the middle of their living room.

Erza chuckled in response and passed a saucy wink to her husband.

"Absolutely," she crooned back, a glass of wine swinging scintillatingly in her hands. "Although, you have no idea how good I'm _going to be _tonight."

Jellal felt something delicious stir at the meeting of his thighs.

"We shall see," he said in his best Santa imitation, complete with a little head bob that caused the bells on his hat to tinkle.

One by one, he placed the presents from his sling bag under the tree and proceeded to draw an elaborate set of muddy footprints on the carpet, completing the illusion of Santa's visit for the youngest of his three children.

"I'll see you upstairs, Ms Scarlet," he added in a very business-like voice, before turning around on his heels and proceeding to take the long route to their bedroom, away from the kids' section of the house, of course.

Erza smirked as she knocked back the last sip from her glass, the cogs in her head turning at full speed with the plan she'd formulated to confirm her suspicions regarding Jellal's sudden change in behaviour.

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"There there, let me do this for you," Erza whispered cattily into her husband's ears as she dug her nails into the lapels of his Santa suit.

Jellal shrugged his shoulders and spread his arms wide.

"Whatever you say," he relented without an ounce of protest, his lips pulled up into a grin that said volumes about what he was expecting in a matter of minutes.

"How long did this take?" Erza asked as she tried tugging the silvery bush out of Jellal's hair.

"Lots," Jellal said immediately, letting out a deep sigh. "It took me an hour and a half to figure out the mechanism behind this thing-" he pointed disdainfully at the fake beard now lying on the dressing table, "- and then another fifteen minutes to put it in place. You should have seen Natsu though, he almost set the entire stash on fire when he couldn't figure out the mechanism for himself."

Erza rolled her eyes. When she'd heard of the 'Daddy's Meet' at eleven on Christmas Eve – the one that had been specifically called for the dads at Fairy Tail to help each other dress up as Santa Claus for their kids – Erza had figured disaster would strike one way or the other. Luckily, the object she was going to use to discover the secret behind her husband's odd behaviour had not been turned to ashes by a certain Fire Dragon Slayer.

"I see," she began, making a show of pulling at some of Jellal's strands while shaking his head out of the impossibly bushy wig. "Oh. I think you might not even need this wig in a few years. There's some natural growth sprouting somewhere here." She gently pulled at a random lump of hair at the back of his head.

Predictably, Jellal's shoulders stiffened immediately and there was a sharp intake of breath.

Erza resisted the urge to pat herself on the back.

"Don't look so demented, honey," she said after a minute's pause, laughing heartily as she pulled out a few strands from the Santa wig in her hands. "I was kidding. The clump on your head's actually this," she held out the said strands and waved them loftily in front of Jellal's eyes.

"Haha," came the expected reply, as Jellal tried to clandestinely check himself out in the mirror, a thick stream of sweat pouring down his back.

"Is something the matter?" Erza asked innocently, batting her eyelashes for added effect. Jellal shook his head too soon, giving out the insecurity that had been eating at him from within.

"Alright," Erza shrugged, deciding to let the matter go for the moment, but promising to get back to it once she was done with the second part of her plan.

"Come. Let's celebrate Christmas the regular way," she said then, shaking off the paddings and the red coat with a single jerk of her hands and guiding Jellal over to their bed, complete with satiny sheets and a gigantic bottle of complementary wine on the nightstand.

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Christmas morning saw Erza waking up to the adorable sound of her husband snoring lightly into their pillows. Rumpled sheets bunched up around her thighs as she prepared herself for her regular morning stretch.

_Damn this feels good, _she sighed contently to herself, feeling her sore muscles smoothen with every sharp movement of her limbs. Last night had been pretty strenuous in terms of all the things Jellal had her doing with the copious amounts of alcohol in his system, and Erza was left with no doubts that her husband was wrong to harbour that little insecurity he had been nourishing inside his heart for the past few weeks.

She chuckled as she remembered the first time she'd been privy to this side of Jellal.

"_You should give that knee of yours some rest Jellal-san. You're putting a lot of strain on it," Wendy had said after her little diagnosis four weeks ago._

"_I'm fine actually," Jellal had replied, giving a warm smile to the young girl interning under Porlyusica. "I feel pretty healthy at the moment and this joint here hasn't really been giving me much trouble of late."_

_Erza had rolled her eyes at that._

"_You were going on about how you wouldn't be able to walk straight for the rest of your life just yesterday," she'd reminded him, sounding genuinely concerned about her husband's health and well-being. It hadn't been a day since his last S-class mission and Jellal had come up with some trouble in his right knee._

_Wendy had nodded her approval. "Erza-san's right," she had said, her face taut with a serious expression. "I checked the joint myself and the results aren't satisfying. The same wouldn't have been the case just a few years ago, but things have changed now."_

_There had been that sharp intake of breath._

"_What-" Jellal had asked, his eyebrows pinched in the middle "-does that mean?"_

_Wendy had looked a little uncomfortable._

"_I mean, you're pretty healthy and fit Jellal-san," she had said, her shoulders shaking with the nervousness that she'd felt, "but you have reached a…a _stage_ where you need to be a bit more careful about using your, well, bones and muscles in the right way."_

_Pin-drop silence had followed her words._

"_Oh." Had been Jellal's only reply._

_Erza had not been able to stop the snicker from escaping her lips._

_That night, a clueless Erza had been left wanting on the bed when Jellal had promptly gone off to sleep without a word of explanation._

Now that she thought about that little incident with Doctor Wendy and her diagnosis, Erza couldn't help but giggle into her hands like a little schoolgirl.

_Oh Jellal, _she thought to herself as she deliberately sunk back into the bed to hear the delicious creak that she was sure had been her husband's doing last night.

_Just as planned._

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Jellal Fernandes stormed into his bedroom for the sole purpose of cooling himself down.

He'd been at the guild just a few minutes ago, celebrating Christmas with his guild mates when a casual question from a slightly tipsy Wendy had him reeling with righteous fury.

_Hello Jellal-san! How's your knee doing?_

Okay. Maybe he'd overreacted _a bit, _but that didn't meant Jellal did not have the right to storm out of the guild like a bull that had seen red. He'd had his reasons.

Sinking into the bed and turning to look at the full-length mirror smirking back at him from the other side of the room, Jellal couldn't help but feel miserable about the way he had been behaving for the past few weeks.

_But that's justified, _he said to himself, crossing his arms across his chest and turning to look anywhere but the mirror.

_I'm forty-two. What do they expect? A mage with bones intact at forty-two? _He said to himself inside his head. _A head full of only…only shiny blue hair?_

He looked heavenwards and posed that question to whosoever was listening to him up there.

He then thought about his thirty-five year old wife who still looked like she was fresh out of high school. _And also the fact that she still owns the bed like she was born to shake me up in between the sheets, _he added.

And what was he capable of doing?

Developing old age knee problems and sprouting white hair on his head of course.

Perfect.

Jellal thought about the mission he'd come back from three days ago and how he'd managed to spot a single strand of traitorous silver amidst blue locks while attempting to shave by the little stream in a dense jungle. He'd been sourly reminded of the physiotherapy sessions he'd been subjected to in order to get a clearance for the mission.

And let's not forget the way Erza had chortled into her hands when Wendy had told him about his knee-problem for the first time.

He laughed bitterly at his misery and ran a hand through sheets that had seen hot action the night before.

Only, these weren't the sheets that had been witness to all that hot action the night before.

_Only_, this wasn't the goddamn _bed _that had been witness to all that hot action the night before.

Jellal turned to observe the blatantly obvious change in his bedroom for the first time since thundering into the room.

_When did this happen? _He thought to himself with a raised brow as he scrutinised the new king-sized bed that was definitely twice the size of the one he used to share with Erza till just a night ago. It was larger, grander – in terms of the intricate designs on the headboard – and sturdier, judging from the kind of material it had been carved out of.

Jellal raised a curious brow as he circled the brand-new bed and came upon a small note attached to the side table with a bouquet of roses.

He picked it up almost immediately.

_Dear husband, _it said in Erza's elegant scroll.

_I know I should be mad at you for destroying my furniture, but I couldn't help but think of this as an opportunity to get you an apt Christmas present. _

_This bed is, and shall remain, a testament to your incredible horsepower – for lack of a better word – when it comes to your performance in bed. I must say, the bruise on my pelvis isn't going anywhere for at least a month._

_So much for having a knee-problem and a poor little strand of silver hair that had the audacity to show up on your head._

_Who cares about a goddamn knee when my husband has an equally capable appendage that he knows how to put to great use?_

_Lots of love and Merry Christmas!_

_Erza._

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Rest of the Christmas day saw Jellal Fernandes walking arm-in-arm with his beautiful and thoughtful wife through the guild hall, urging the youngsters – who were up to their usual shenanigans with the booze and the bouts – to pack a lot more power in their performances. Somehow, Jellal couldn't understand why people half his age would look more like a sack of potatoes while doing an activity as simple and as subtle as throwing a table across the hall.

Erza was bound to agree thoroughly – with a ghost of a mischievous smile on her lips of course.

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**-End-**

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**(A/N): I seem to have a thing for Jerza and beds. Somehow, I have this headcanon that the two will be breaking a hell lot of beds in the future. **

**Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!**

**-Aeria**


End file.
